Why don't YOU have an accent, a**hole?

Are you from Long Island? When you tell people that you are from Long Island, do they invariably ask you why you don't have an accent, and do you invariably want to tell then to shut the hell up?

Growing up in Northport, my Long Island town, no one had accents. I did not know that I was expected to have an accent. When I was young, my response to the question was, "No one in my town has an accent."

As I grew older, I learned about the accents of Long Islanders and which people have them. Though I rarely heard them, I was told (mostly by my parents) that the residents of the south shore are the ones with the accents. That became my response to the inquiries on my speaking patterns.

After I went to college, came back, watched the Jersey Shore, and observed young 20-somethings going to bars, I learned that anyone who stays on Long Island too long and who patrons trashy bars become susceptible to developing the accent, either by choice or through osmosis. My newest explanation for my absent accent was a too-long description of this phenomenon that no one cared to listened to, but provided a welcome opportunity to comment on the Jersey Shore.

But deep down, I have known the true answer for a long time, as would anyone who lives anywhere with a stereotypical accent. Or, for that matter, anyone who has watched a movie like "Good Will Hunting." Accents often reflect a class distinction. I mean, which characters in "Good Will Hunting" have the strongest accents? However, I don't usually cite this as my answer. It makes me feel uncomfortable.

I am tired of people asking me why I don't have an accent, and the questioning has become even more frequent and persistent in recent years. I fear this is mostly due to reality TV shows showcasing trashiness, and I would like a break! I don't walk around Boston asking every resident why he doesn't sound like Matt Damon.

Last week when socializing at a bar in Portland with my cousins, some of my cousin's friends asked Ken (my boyfriend) and I why we didn't have accents. Why must I explain myself?!? Especially for something as mundane and nonthreatening as sounding like everyone else? I snapped, and yelled, "Because we aren't poor!"

Probably not the best response, but at least is was more concise than my explanation of how people develop the accent over time due to bar-patronage and shopping at Target too often.

But still not the best response, because it was easy material for the drunk frat-type friends of my cousin to take way too far. After loudly repeating what I had said a few times, they started saying something about how we were all rich and finishing it up with how they were glad they were white because being Caucasian historically gives you the upper hand. I did not say anything like that.